


The New Elegants

by alanharnum



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 15:03:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alanharnum/pseuds/alanharnum
Summary: A parody/spoof/vaguely humourous story touched off by a post someone else made to an Utena mailing list. Either an argument for why I should have written more humour pieces, or for why I would have been better off sticking to serious stuff, depending on your response.





	The New Elegants

This copy of the story is from my Archive of Our Own page at http://archiveofourown.org/users/alanharnum/pseuds/alanharnum.

 

* * *

At 02:47 PM 7/7/00 EDT, Jenova001@aol.com wrote:  
>Well... when i first heard of utena i thought it sounded really dumb ^_^...   
>cause i had only read the description in a Central Park Media catalouge.   
>  
>"Utena is the leader of "The New Elegants," valiant warriors who are  
fighting   
>against "The World's End"- the untimate enemy of mankind. But to power her   
>transformation into a male-attired warrior, she must first kiss someone she   
>loves..."

[A bird's-eye view of Ohtori Academy; idyllic, pastoral BGM. Slowly move  
in closer, panning over students eating lunch, playing baseball, relaxing  
beneath shady trees, and generally engaging in carefree activities--very  
Arcadian.]

[Cut to a full shot of the central tower of Ohtori. Suddenly, it explodes.  
Out of the rubble crawls Giant Akio from the end of the Utena movie.]

Giant Akio: AKIO REVOLUTIONIZE WORLD!

[He begins to wreck Ohtori in a way that would make Godzilla jealous,   
bellowing all the while. Students flee in screaming hordes. Akio   
pursues them with thunderous footfalls.]

Giant Akio: AKIO CRUSH PUNY STUDENTS!

[One of the students stumbles and falls. It's Wakaba. The shadow of   
Giant Akio's gigantic upraised foot falls across her.]

Giant Akio: AKIO SMASH!

Wakaba: Eeeeeek! Oh, won't someone save me?

[Giant Akio's foot descends. Rapid still images: Giant Akio's evil   
smile, Wakaba's terrified face, the foot smashing down to the sound of  
breaking concrete, Giant Akio's evil smile again--which suddenly   
becomes a frown.]

Giant Akio: WHAT--NO!

[Cut to a screen filled with green rose petals, that blow away to reveal  
Wakaba held safely in the arms of Saionji, who is wearing an outfit of  
green spandex with white boots and white gloves. Ohtori's rose crest is  
emblazoned on his chest, in white, surmounted by a large cursive 'E'.]

Wakaba: Wai! Saionji-sama!

[Saionji puts Wakaba gently on her feet, pulls a green rose from somewhere,  
inhales deeply, and smiles. Tooth-gleam.]

Saionji: The valiant and honourable warrior--Saionji Kyouichi, Elegant  
Green!

[Cut to an enraged Giant Akio.]

Giant Akio: AKIO CRUSH PUNY NEW ELEGANT!

[He raises his fist. Two roses, blue and orange, suddenly strike his  
fingers, thrown stem-first a la Tuxedo Mask. He screams in pain.]

[Storm of blue and orange rose petals, which clear to reveal Miki and  
Juri, in blue and orange spandex, respectively, back to back, both   
smiling and holding a rose in their respective colour to their respective   
noses.]

Miki: The musical and mathematical genius--Kaoru Miki, Elegant Blue!

Juri: The gorgeous and deadly fencer--Arisugawa Juri, Elegant Orange!

[Giant Akio's face is red with fury.]

Giant Akio: AKIO CRUSH YOU ALL!

Male Voice (OS): I think not.

[Storm of red rose petals, clearing to reveal Touga, red spandex, smile,  
tooth-gleam, red rose, etc, you know the drill.]

Touga: The graceful and charming knight--Kiryuu Touga, Elegant Red!

Female (OS): Oniichan, you promised!

[Touga sighs.]

Touga: And his cute and popular and stylish and refined and lovable   
younger sister--

[Storm of yellow rose petals... skip it.]

Nanami: Kiryuu Nanami, Elegant Yellow!

[Storm of green, blue, orange, red and yellow rose petals, clearing to  
reveal the five New Elegants standing together in various heroic poses, all  
holding their swords.]

Saionji: This is the final battle!

Miki: Our last test!

Juri: The World's End has revealed himself!

Touga: It's time!

Nanami: Hey--where's our leader?

[Cut to Anthy and Utena outside the gates of Ohtori. The raging Giant Akio  
is visible in the distance. Utena appears to be pleading with Anthy.]

Utena: Look, Anthy, just let me give you a little kiss. Purely platonic  
love, of course. 

Anthy [blushing]: My, Utena-sama, I'd be too embarassed.

Utena: But you've never been embarassed before-- [suddenly suspicious]   
This is because it turns out The World's End is actually a giant rampaging  
version of your brother, isn't it?

Anthy [innocent]: Oh my, no.

Giant Akio [distantly]: AKIO SMASH!

[Fade to black.]

Announcer's Voice [tremendously excited]: Will Giant Akio really smash the  
New Elegants? Will Anthy let Utena kiss her, allowing her to transform  
into the male-attired leader, Elegant Pink? Will the New Elegants be able  
to turn into cars and form Elegigantor in time to defeat the World's End?  
[suddenly bored] Well, you'll never find out, so there.

THE NEW ELEGANTS

A SHOUJO KAKUMEI UTENA ALTERNATE UNIVERSE FANFIC

COMING NEVER (AND THANK GOD FOR THAT) FROM ALAN HARNUM


End file.
